I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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