She went from zero to smokin in five shots
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
