The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
