fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
