so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
