Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
