just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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