My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My vagina is officially offended.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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