he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
