i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I deserve this hangover.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
