my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
