...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
