My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
