You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
