Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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