..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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