So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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