Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
