I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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