had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
