I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
