That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
