I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
