why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
