This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
