I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
