my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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