I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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