Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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