Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
