i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
