Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
