Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
