Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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