Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
