so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
