I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
