Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize