I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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