I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
When are your genitals available?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
