i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
