brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
