i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
