I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
