when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
