Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
