I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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