I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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