I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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