These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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