so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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