somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize