When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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