just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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