seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
