By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
