why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
