There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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